Unrealistic Expectations: A Relationship Destroyer by Chris Garner
Everyone enters marriage with expectations. They range from housekeeping (‘this is the way my mother always did it.’) to the way one celebrates holidays to how a couple communicates. We generally enter marriage expecting to continue doing the things we have always done in the ways we have always done them. Adapting from “me” to “we” is part of the adjustment every couple experiences. Problems occur when one spouse expects the other to just do things his or her way. Bigger problems occur when there are expectations that a spouse will never do anything hurtful or say anything contrary to what one believes. There are many unrealistic expectations couples have in marriage and they can be very destructive.
People don’t usually verbalize their expectations but the expectations become traps that spouses unknowingly fall into, and as pain and hurt build, the traps become bigger and more damaging. The fact is that your spouse is not you, and even as you grow in oneness, your differences will remain pronounced and create a potential wedge between you. The most unrealistic of expectations is that one’s spouse should always make him or her happy. Stephen Arterburn reports that 70 percent of Americans believe the purpose of marriage is for one’s mate to make him or her happy. It is a myth perpetrated by selfishness and media portrayal that living happily ever after is what marriage should be about. In reality, we will face problems and challenges in life and in our marriage. We don’t bring together two different worlds into the oneness of marriage without some conflict and adjustment.
Married life does not have to be one challenge after another. Two are better than one and if we work together, we can grow and effectively work through the conflict we will inevitably experience as a couple. Couples must; first accept each other for who each person is, as God created him or her, and then give grace as one’s spouse does things that don’t meet expectations. Yes, sinful behavior must be addressed, but here we are talking about the expectations most people have regarding certain aspects of life. Other people, even our spouse, do not know our mind nor think like us. If we want something from our spouse, we need to let him or her know. They don’t just figure it out intuitively. Unrealistic expectations are really all about self; defining love as someone doing everything we want, how we want it and when we want it done. None of us would verbalize that; but in reality, that is what expectations are. Biblically, we are to seek to love and give, not hold expectations of what we should receive.
Fortified Marriages Ministry
Phone: 480-699-2515
E-mail: info@fortifiedmarriages.com
Website: www.fortifiedmarriages.com