Communicating to be Heard
Chris and Carmen Garner
  
Everyone wants to be heard. We feel respected, validated and understood when another person actually hears what we say. But why does this seem so difficult? Why is communication one of the most difficult aspects of any relationship and especially the marriage relationship? Often, it is because we do not communicate in ways that are conducive to being heard. We raise our voice, speak harshly, attack verbally or do not communicate clearly. Yes, the other person must listen, but it would be very helpful if we communicated to aid the other person’s hearing what we say.
Ephesians 4:29 states: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” It seems simple enough, but how many of us communicate this way? We have heard all the excuses – some stating that their spouses don’t respond until they yell, others saying that yelling is just part of who they are. They blame family, culture or spouses and do not take ownership for their own words and behavior. Yet, we can communicate in a way that we will be heard. Beginning with the Biblical principles of putting others first and seeking their best, we can develop healthy communication habits that will help in our marriages and all of our relationships.
James 1:19 reminds us that; “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” The first principle of being heard is being slow to speak; not just reacting to what we’ve heard. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Prov. 15:1). It is a matter of controlling our own bodies (or tongues) in a holy and honorable way (1Thes. 4:4); James 1:26 going so far to say that if we don’t keep a tight reign on our tongue, our religion is worthless. Communicating with gentleness and softness helps build others up even when we must confront sin or inappropriate behavior (Gal. 6:1). Communicating to be heard means that we have the other person’s best interest in mind, that we seek to build them up, that we use “I” statements rather than “you” statements, that we communicate with respect and kindness. It is not easy to change the way we communicate, but if we have the attitude of Christ and in humility, consider others better than ourselves (Philippians 2), we can change our communication so that we are heard. If you want the same results, continue to communicate the way you always have; if you want change, you must be intentional about changing the way you communicate.
Chris & Carmen present a variety of seminars and workshops to help couples grow in their marriage and work together as a team. Visit www.fortifiedmarriages.com  for more information about sponsoring seminars at your church.